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post em!
got medical jokes?
- Thread starter chef
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thought you guys might like this one....14 common phrases in medicine...enjoy! 
http://www.00fun.com/doctors.shtml
http://www.00fun.com/doctors.shtml
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A classic:
What do you call two surgeons looking at an ECG?
A double blind study.
A joke that's not really a joke (although I find it funny). A newspaper had made a survey to find out which jobs held the most status. It was, you know, doctors, lawyers, pilots etc. at the top. Then near the bottom: Psychiatrists.........
What do you call two surgeons looking at an ECG?
A double blind study.
A joke that's not really a joke (although I find it funny). A newspaper had made a survey to find out which jobs held the most status. It was, you know, doctors, lawyers, pilots etc. at the top. Then near the bottom: Psychiatrists.........
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I've heard a pretty funny variation of this one:
What do you call two orthopaedists with a stethoscope?
=>double blind study
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How do you hide a family practice physician's stethoscope?
Put it in a journal.
How do you hide a surgeon's stethoscope?
Put it in a pile of EKGs.
Q, DO
Put it in a journal.
How do you hide a surgeon's stethoscope?
Put it in a pile of EKGs.
Q, DO
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Along the same lines:
How do you hide a dollar from a family practitioner?
Put it in a journal.
How do you hide a dollar from a surgeon?
Put it in the EKG's.
How do you hide a dollar from an internist?
Underneath the bandage.
How do you hide a dollar from a radiologist?
Put it on the patient.
How do you hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon?
You can't.
How do you hide a dollar from a family practitioner?
Put it in a journal.
How do you hide a dollar from a surgeon?
Put it in the EKG's.
How do you hide a dollar from an internist?
Underneath the bandage.
How do you hide a dollar from a radiologist?
Put it on the patient.
How do you hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon?
You can't.
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Q: What did the doctor say when he found a rectal thermometer behind his ear?
A: Some dingus has my pencil!
Q: What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
A: Some dingus has my pencil!
Q: What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
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What's the difference between a bullet and a V.A. nurse?
..............You could fire the bullet
..............You could fire the bullet
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how do you hide 100 dollars from a pediatrician?
Ans: Put it in his wallet. He's never seen $100 before and doesn't know what it looks like!
Ans: Put it in his wallet. He's never seen $100 before and doesn't know what it looks like!
group_theory
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medical student: reads entire article but does not understand what any of it means.
intern: uses journal as a pillow during nights on call.
resident: would like to read article but eats dinner instead.
chief resident: skips article entirely and reads the classifieds.
junior attending: reads and analyzes entire article in order to pimp medical students.
senior attending: reads abstracts and quotes the literature liberally.
research attending: reads entire article, reanalyzes statistics and looks up all references, usually in lieu of sex.
chief of service: reads references to see if he/she was cited anywhere.
private attending: doesn't buy journals in the first place but keeps an eye open for medical articles that make it into Time or Newsweek.
emeritus attending: reads entire article but does not understand what any of it means.
intern: uses journal as a pillow during nights on call.
resident: would like to read article but eats dinner instead.
chief resident: skips article entirely and reads the classifieds.
junior attending: reads and analyzes entire article in order to pimp medical students.
senior attending: reads abstracts and quotes the literature liberally.
research attending: reads entire article, reanalyzes statistics and looks up all references, usually in lieu of sex.
chief of service: reads references to see if he/she was cited anywhere.
private attending: doesn't buy journals in the first place but keeps an eye open for medical articles that make it into Time or Newsweek.
emeritus attending: reads entire article but does not understand what any of it means.
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A physician has a plumber over his house working in the bathroom, and finally the plumber emerges and tells the physician the fee. Astonished at his price, the physician cracks "What??!! Three thousand?? That's three hundred an hour, more than I make as a physician!!"...to which the plumber replies "Yeah, it was more than I made when I was a physician, too."
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FDA Approves Sale of Prescription Placebo
WASHINGTON, DC- 9/17/03 - After more than four decades of
testing in tandem with other drugs, placebo gained approval
for prescription use from the Food and Drug Administration
Monday.
"For years, scientists have been aware of the effectiveness
of placebo in treating a surprisingly wide range of
conditions," said Dr. Jonathan Bergen of the FDA's Center for
Drug Evaluation and Research. "It was time to provide doctors
with this often highly effective option."
In its most common form, placebo is a white, crystalline
substance of a sandy consistency, obtained from the
evaporated juice of the Saccharum officinarum plant. The FDA
has approved placebo in doses ranging from 1 to 40,000
milligrams.
The long-awaited approval will allow pharmaceutical companies
to market placebo in pill and liquid form. Eleven major drug
companies have developed placebo tablets, the first of which,
AstraZeneca's Sucrosa, hits shelves Sept. 24.
"We couldn't be more thrilled to finally get this wonder drug
out of the labs and into consumers' medicine cabinets," said
Tami Erickson, a spokeswoman for AstraZeneca. "Studies show
placebo to be effective in the treatment of many ailments and
disorders, ranging from lower-back pain to erectile
dysfunction to nausea."
Pain-sufferers like Margerite Kohler, who participated in a
Sucrosa study in March, welcomed the FDA's approval.
"For years, I battled with strange headaches that surfaced
during times of stress," Kohler said. "Doctors repeatedly
turned me away empty-handed, or suggested that I try an over-
the-counter pain reliever-as if that would be strong enough.
Finally, I heard about Sucrosa. They said, 'This will work,'
and it worked. The headaches are gone." Researchers diagnosed
Kohler with Random Occasional Nonspecific Pain and Discomfort
Disorder (RONPDD), a minor but surprisingly pervasive medical
condition that strikes otherwise healthy adults.
RONPDD is only one of many disorders for which placebo has
proven effective, Bergen said.
"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything
from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea,"
Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo.
It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any
of the analgesic properties."
The FDA is expected to approve the drug for a wide range of
mood disorders later this year. According to Bergen, initial
research has shown placebo to be effective in the treatment
of bipolar disorder, depression, dysthymia, panic disorder,
post traumatic stress disorder, seasonal affective disorder,
and stress.
As industry analysts predict the drug's sales will top $25
billion in the first year, the approval of placebo is
expected to unleash one of the pharmaceutical industry's
biggest marketing battles to date.
GlaxoSmithKline expects to have two versions of placebo on
the shelves in late December. One, a 40-milligram pill called
Appeasor, will be marketed to patients 55 and over, while the
other, Inertra, designed for middle-aged women, is a liquid
that comes in a 355-milliliter can, and is cola-flavored. Eli
Lilly plans a $3 million marketing campaign for its 400-
milligram tablet, Pacifex.
"All placebos are not the same," Eli Lilly spokesman Giles
French said. "Pacifex is the only placebo that's green and
shaped like a triangle. Pacifex: A doctor gave it to you."
Despite such ringing endorsements, some members of the
medical community have spoken out against placebo's approval,
saying that the drug's wide range of side effects is a cause
for concern.
"Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred
different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile
dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler
said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme
or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on
the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."
Added Wheeler: "We must not introduce placebo to the public
until we pinpoint exactly how and why it works. The drug
never should have advanced beyond the stage of animal
testing, which, for some reason, was totally ineffective in
determining its effectiveness." In spite of the confusing
data, drug makers say placebo is safe.
"The only side effect consistent in all test subjects was a
negligible one-an almost imperceptible elevation in blood-
glucose levels," French said. "It's unfair to the American
people to withhold a drug so many of them desperately think
they need."
Reprinted from The Onion - Copyright 2003
WASHINGTON, DC- 9/17/03 - After more than four decades of
testing in tandem with other drugs, placebo gained approval
for prescription use from the Food and Drug Administration
Monday.
"For years, scientists have been aware of the effectiveness
of placebo in treating a surprisingly wide range of
conditions," said Dr. Jonathan Bergen of the FDA's Center for
Drug Evaluation and Research. "It was time to provide doctors
with this often highly effective option."
In its most common form, placebo is a white, crystalline
substance of a sandy consistency, obtained from the
evaporated juice of the Saccharum officinarum plant. The FDA
has approved placebo in doses ranging from 1 to 40,000
milligrams.
The long-awaited approval will allow pharmaceutical companies
to market placebo in pill and liquid form. Eleven major drug
companies have developed placebo tablets, the first of which,
AstraZeneca's Sucrosa, hits shelves Sept. 24.
"We couldn't be more thrilled to finally get this wonder drug
out of the labs and into consumers' medicine cabinets," said
Tami Erickson, a spokeswoman for AstraZeneca. "Studies show
placebo to be effective in the treatment of many ailments and
disorders, ranging from lower-back pain to erectile
dysfunction to nausea."
Pain-sufferers like Margerite Kohler, who participated in a
Sucrosa study in March, welcomed the FDA's approval.
"For years, I battled with strange headaches that surfaced
during times of stress," Kohler said. "Doctors repeatedly
turned me away empty-handed, or suggested that I try an over-
the-counter pain reliever-as if that would be strong enough.
Finally, I heard about Sucrosa. They said, 'This will work,'
and it worked. The headaches are gone." Researchers diagnosed
Kohler with Random Occasional Nonspecific Pain and Discomfort
Disorder (RONPDD), a minor but surprisingly pervasive medical
condition that strikes otherwise healthy adults.
RONPDD is only one of many disorders for which placebo has
proven effective, Bergen said.
"Placebo has been successful in the treatment of everything
from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea,"
Bergen said. "That's the beauty, and the mystery, of placebo.
It's all-purpose. Think of it like aspirin, but without any
of the analgesic properties."
The FDA is expected to approve the drug for a wide range of
mood disorders later this year. According to Bergen, initial
research has shown placebo to be effective in the treatment
of bipolar disorder, depression, dysthymia, panic disorder,
post traumatic stress disorder, seasonal affective disorder,
and stress.
As industry analysts predict the drug's sales will top $25
billion in the first year, the approval of placebo is
expected to unleash one of the pharmaceutical industry's
biggest marketing battles to date.
GlaxoSmithKline expects to have two versions of placebo on
the shelves in late December. One, a 40-milligram pill called
Appeasor, will be marketed to patients 55 and over, while the
other, Inertra, designed for middle-aged women, is a liquid
that comes in a 355-milliliter can, and is cola-flavored. Eli
Lilly plans a $3 million marketing campaign for its 400-
milligram tablet, Pacifex.
"All placebos are not the same," Eli Lilly spokesman Giles
French said. "Pacifex is the only placebo that's green and
shaped like a triangle. Pacifex: A doctor gave it to you."
Despite such ringing endorsements, some members of the
medical community have spoken out against placebo's approval,
saying that the drug's wide range of side effects is a cause
for concern.
"Yes, placebo has benefits, but studies link it to a hundred
different side effects, from lower-back pain to erectile
dysfunction to nausea," drug researcher Patrick Wheeler
said. "Placebo wreaked havoc all over the body, with no rhyme
or reason. Basically, whichever side effects were included on
the questionnaire, we found in research subjects."
Added Wheeler: "We must not introduce placebo to the public
until we pinpoint exactly how and why it works. The drug
never should have advanced beyond the stage of animal
testing, which, for some reason, was totally ineffective in
determining its effectiveness." In spite of the confusing
data, drug makers say placebo is safe.
"The only side effect consistent in all test subjects was a
negligible one-an almost imperceptible elevation in blood-
glucose levels," French said. "It's unfair to the American
people to withhold a drug so many of them desperately think
they need."
Reprinted from The Onion - Copyright 2003
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A man runs into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
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How do you tell how many days a VA patient has been dead?
Count the trays in the room and divide by three.
Count the trays in the room and divide by three.
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- 1
haha, they r all great!
here's a few:
True Tales of Medicine
Colonoscopy Humor
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while
he was performing colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy, doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW?!
4. Oh, boy! That was sphincterrific!
5. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
6. You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.
7. Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?
8. You put your left hand in. You take your left hand out. You do the hokey-pokey...
9. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
10. If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!
11. Hey, doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
12. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?
13. Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?
A man came into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed there were several
cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife her husband
had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family, saying he had died of a "
massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart, and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Left," I said,
and again a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He could not even read the large letter on the top line. I turned, and
discovered he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there
with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?," I asked. "The patch," he replied. "The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I would not see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since this incident, the
instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
since you've been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered, "Why, not for about twenty years...when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky, and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" She answered, "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." I then asked to
see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally...
A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No, doctor, but the song you
were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
here's a few:
True Tales of Medicine
Colonoscopy Humor
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while
he was performing colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy, doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW?!
4. Oh, boy! That was sphincterrific!
5. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
6. You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.
7. Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?
8. You put your left hand in. You take your left hand out. You do the hokey-pokey...
9. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
10. If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!
11. Hey, doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
12. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?
13. Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?
A man came into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed there were several
cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife her husband
had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family, saying he had died of a "
massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart, and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Left," I said,
and again a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He could not even read the large letter on the top line. I turned, and
discovered he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there
with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?," I asked. "The patch," he replied. "The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I would not see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since this incident, the
instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
since you've been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered, "Why, not for about twenty years...when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky, and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" She answered, "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." I then asked to
see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally...
A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB, was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No, doctor, but the song you
were whistling was 'I Wish I Was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
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- Feb 12, 2004
- Messages
- 511
- Reaction score
- 1
and mind you i'm going into path...and still have sense of humor about tha joke 😉
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the
group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon
and a pathologist.
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to
react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I
will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that
time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure
if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might
have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he
muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know
it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the
fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the
group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon
and a pathologist.
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to
react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I
will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that
time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the
pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure
if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might
have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he
muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know
it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the
fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
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- Nov 27, 2002
- Messages
- 7,890
- Reaction score
- 756
How do you stump and ER doctor?
Ask him what the SECOND dose is.
Ask him what the SECOND dose is.