Privacy

[Algophiliac]

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For those of you who are shy, quiet, introverted, or just really really value privacy, how did/do you make the transition from high school to college?

The problem is, I'm relatively calm and sane in school...but only because I'm absolutely off the wall when I get home/go out with close friends. So how do you deal with having people around 24/7? It forces me to be constantly "ON", which tires me out. 🙁 I can't be the only one like this.

 

[cajunchrisbu]

scare your roommate away.

the first week of school act like a total freak/lunatic... hopefully your roomie will freak the hell out and move out. then you can have a free room all to your self.

Or you could find a nice quiet place to sit and relax when you need alone time.

either one is fine...but the first one makes for a better story

 

[xnfs93hy]

For those of you who are shy, quiet, introverted, or just really really value privacy, how did/do you make the transition from high school to college?

The problem is, I'm relatively calm and sane in school...but only because I'm absolutely off the wall when I get home/go out with close friends. So how do you deal with having people around 24/7? It forces me to be constantly "ON", which tires me out. 🙁 I can't be the only one like this.

Small world, I'm exactly the same way.

 

[glowworm]

me too! trying to smile and be nice for more than ten minutes is exhausting! i'm naturally very quiet, and when i do talk, i tend to be sarcastic/short/awkward, etc. i think i'm gonna have a hard time making friends. i can never think of enough nice little things to chat about like most people can. 🙁

 

[oran berry]

I'm wondering how I will adjust to having a roommate too..usually when I just get tired of people, I isolate myself in my room. I'm not going to have that freedom anymore. >_< It's worrying me that I'll exhaust myself out by not having any privacy.

 

[tennisball80]

Smile, say "Hi", Small talks. Just stop the conversation if you need to instead of making awkward silence.

 

[DrYoda]

I perfer living by myself since I like having some peaceful time. Living by yourself is the best way to assure time to yourself.

If that's not an option, then maybe you can find some time in your scheduel where there's a minimum number of people around. Or find a quite place to go: a park, building on campus ect.

It's gonna sound like college life heresy, but I'm actually a really early morning person. If you want peace and quite or time to yourself there is no better time than five in the morning.

i can never think of enough nice little things to chat about like most people can. 🙁

That does come to some people easier than others. But really for many it is just learned, often at work. May jobs make small talk a necessity and you just kind of get used to it.

 

[niblet]

I am very introverted. Like you phrased, I have to be constantly "On" when in social settings. I just find them to be overall uncomfortable and awkward.

I'm a little worried about what college life will be like. I'd prefer not to immerse myself in constant social interaction. I don't plan on drinking or going to any parties--that's just not me. What does that leave for me to do? Eat, sleep, go to class, do homework, study (maybe some volunteering and/or research)... Anything else? I've seen people advise to join clubs and get involved if you don't like the whole party scene, but that also entails a high degree of sociability and is therefore not appealing to me.

What do most shy people do outside of academics while at college? They can't just sit in their dorm room all day, right? Or do they?

Maybe I'm just being neurotic, and I'll look back in a year and laugh at the anxieties I was preoccupied with.

 

[Crazyday]

I am very introverted. Like you phrased, I have to be constantly "On" when in social settings. I just find them to be overall uncomfortable and awkward.

I'm a little worried about what college life will be like. I'd prefer not to immerse myself in constant social interaction. I don't plan on drinking or going to any parties--that's just not me. What does that leave for me to do? Eat, sleep, go to class, do homework, study (maybe some volunteering and/or research)... Anything else? I've seen people advise to join clubs and get involved if you don't like the whole party scene, but that also entails a high degree of sociability and is therefore not appealing to me.

What do most shy people do outside of academics while at college? They can't just sit in their dorm room all day, right? Or do they?

Maybe I'm just being neurotic, and I'll look back in a year and laugh at the anxieties I was preoccupied with.

Go out, jog, lift weights, pick up some martial arts, just take a walk, write a book, learn a new language, have a cup of coffee, become a botanist, read a book, learn philosophy...

If you're planning on becoming a doctor though you're kinda gonna have to pick some of these social skills up, and college is a better time than any. Unless you plan to go into radiology heh.

 

[Maygyver]

I can definitely sympathize with you. I went to a huge high school, around 800 people per class so it was really hard to get to know everyone. I had my group of friends, but other than that I was a pretty quiet guy.

When I went to college, I had 3 roommates and trust me, you will want to throw them out the window at least once. However, the one tip I can give you, is to talk out any problems you have with someone. Also, if you get frustrated and need some alone time, go work out, or just chill on a park bench or library. Chances are you will make a few friends that your roommates aren't friends with. You can get away from roommate by visiting these friends.

I know I was worried when I first moved in, but you will definitely change a lot and fit in. I know my roommates were really surprised by the end of the year and said they never expected me to be so extroverted and have such a good sense of humor. Also, I know we had like roommate contracts to say like "no flooding the bathroom and making a giant bubblebath" or whatever ridiculous things you can think of so you can sort of any problems when you fill out those. It really is something you have to wait until you get there to understand though. You'll be fine 🙂

 

[mcrandi]

its was deadly at first but things got very well than expected then it became normal

 

[niblet]

If you're planning on becoming a doctor though you're kinda gonna have to pick some of these social skills up, and college is a better time than any. Unless you plan to go into radiology heh.

I don't know. There's a difference between being introverted and lacking the social skills necessary to become a doctor.

I'm just worried about the continual social interaction of college. It's going to be quite the change.

Judging from the responses, I guess you get used to it eventually, as is the nature of those things that are originally distressing.

 

[Algophiliac]

I perfer living by myself since I like having some peaceful time. Living by yourself is the best way to assure time to yourself.

If that's not an option, then maybe you can find some time in your scheduel where there's a minimum number of people around. Or find a quite place to go: a park, building on campus ect.

It's gonna sound like college life heresy, but I'm actually a really early morning person. If you want peace and quite or time to yourself there is no better time than five in the morning.

Unfortunately, living by myself is not an option at the moment. Due to monetary reasons, it may never be, although even just having a separate room would be heavenly.

I am a VERY morning person! 😀 How did I not think of this? It would be the perfect time to be absolutely alone, practically no matter where on campus I decide to go. 🙂 I'm guessing this will work well to recharge my batteries. Thanks, Master Yoda. 😉

I can definitely sympathize with you. I went to a huge high school, around 800 people per class so it was really hard to get to know everyone. I had my group of friends, but other than that I was a pretty quiet guy.

I basically balance my life among three different extremes. At school, I am relatively quiet and focused, while at home or with close friends, I can be extremely talkative. But both of those exhaust me, so I also spend many hours each day completely alone to regroup my energy levels.

I'm not a fan of small talk and faking interest when none is actually there, nor will I ever talk just for the sake of talking. With friends whose company I actually value and enjoy, nothing is off limits and I can be myself. I've heard in college there are less divisions between people based on how "cool" or "nerdy" they are, which would be nice. 😀 I'm the kind of person who can go out to the bars with one group of friends, study for hours in the library with another, discuss the impact of the media on culture with a third, and yet still need at least an equal amount of time to myself to function properly. I'm just weird.

 

[URHere]

I just wanted to say that just because this is the way you are at this point in your life, does not mean that you will feel like an introvert forever.

When I was in high school, I kept almost completely to myself - I had maybe 3 very good friends and I couldn't even stand to be around them every day of the week. When I got to college, I met people I was compatible with in ways I couldn't have even imagined in high school, and being around those people for me was just as comfortable as spending time by myself. More than that, those people taught me how to function in large groups, and how to really value being around other people. Now, years in the future, I'm the kind of person who likes being around others so much that I can't even imagine living by myself.

It may take awhile, but most people find a niche in college and people they are comfortable letting into their lives full-time. Once you find those people, you can live with them and things won't be nearly as uncomfortable as you imagine. My only advice is to not be afraid of stepping outside of your comfort zone in college - if a group or club sounds interesting to you, join it. If an event seems like fun, buy a ticket. Eventually, you may end up meeting your best friends that way.

 

[Maygyver]

Unfortunately, living by myself is not an option at the moment. Due to monetary reasons, it may never be, although even just having a separate room would be heavenly.

I am a VERY morning person! 😀 How did I not think of this? It would be the perfect time to be absolutely alone, practically no matter where on campus I decide to go. 🙂 I'm guessing this will work well to recharge my batteries. Thanks, Master Yoda. 😉




I basically balance my life among three different extremes. At school, I am relatively quiet and focused, while at home or with close friends, I can be extremely talkative. But both of those exhaust me, so I also spend many hours each day completely alone to regroup my energy levels.

I'm not a fan of small talk and faking interest when none is actually there, nor will I ever talk just for the sake of talking. With friends whose company I actually value and enjoy, nothing is off limits and I can be myself. I've heard in college there are less divisions between people based on how "cool" or "nerdy" they are, which would be nice. 😀 I'm the kind of person who can go out to the bars with one group of friends, study for hours in the library with another, discuss the impact of the media on culture with a third, and yet still need at least an equal amount of time to myself to function properly. I'm just weird.

That's definitely true. Think about it this way, in HS, many people are nerds, or whatever because of something that might have happened way back when. In college, you are given a fresh start and nobody (or a select few) knows/know you. As long as you don't want around campus in a cowboy hat, camo, and have a pet alligator, you should be in the clear. That fact that college is so big is another reason you don't really have popular people (other than sports players). Since nobody knows everybody, nobody can really be seen as "the popular one."

From what you said, it sounds like you will fit in fine. Just make sure to make some new friends and all will be well.

 

[Algophiliac]

I just wanted to say that just because this is the way you are at this point in your life, does not mean that you will feel like an introvert forever.

When I was in high school, I kept almost completely to myself - I had maybe 3 very good friends and I couldn't even stand to be around them every day of the week. When I got to college, I met people I was compatible with in ways I couldn't have even imagined in high school, and being around those people for me was just as comfortable as spending time by myself. More than that, those people taught me how to function in large groups, and how to really value being around other people. Now, years in the future, I'm the kind of person who likes being around others so much that I can't even imagine living by myself.

It may take awhile, but most people find a niche in college and people they are comfortable letting into their lives full-time. Once you find those people, you can live with them and things won't be nearly as uncomfortable as you imagine. My only advice is to not be afraid of stepping outside of your comfort zone in college - if a group or club sounds interesting to you, join it. If an event seems like fun, buy a ticket. Eventually, you may end up meeting your best friends that way.

Wow. 🙂 I hear stories of this nature frequently, and yet I think it's something I'll have to experience before I can really understand it. Stepping out of my comfort zone will be the most difficult for me...since silence has always been a shield of sorts. I guess the key is to just throw myself out there orientation week and never look back.

Maygyver, thanks. If I tried to behave differently now, the rest of the population would likely be shell-shocked, and I'm guessing everyone else feels the same way. Maybe change isn't so bad after all. 😛

 

[oregonhopeful]

I'm not into partying or drinking either, and had fewer friends for awhile as a result. But, then I discovered study groups. I found them almost completely worthless in terms of actually getting studying done, but phenomenally helpful in terms of making friends. I'm not good at small talk, but I had sort of a system for making friends. The first couple of weeks I would chat with the person in the seat next to me, intro stuff like "I've heard this teacher is really hard. Did you hear he threw a cell phone so hard it dented the wall?" and then once you're chatting about that, "What's your major, where are you from" - just chatty stuff, and it helps to have a few things to say. Try not to come across as needy or desperate. It scares people. The nicest thing about initiating a conversation in class is that it is by necessity short, and can end whenever anyone is bored without it getting awkward.
Then the same people that you "chat" with end up suggesting a study group - or you can. And it can help you either in that it will help you study, or that you will get to know people a little better. Math and calculation type classes are the BEST for "study" groups because you benefit from talking through problems together and you become stress buddies and bond.
This is social life 101 for nerds. It's how I made it through college with friends despite a chronic nerdiness factor. I made friends who were serious about their studies and yet were always willing to take a break for lunch. The truth of the matter is, most of your friends you make aren't going to be lifetime friends, though you might luck out. I have a couple of really good friends that I made while taking physics. But just having friends in college even if they won't last is important for your sanity I think.

(Note: these "techniques" should still be used in conjunction with other social things. Don't get too caught up in needing to join every club and go to every event, but don't give in to the temptation to avoid them either)

 

[glowworm]

I'm not into partying or drinking either, and had fewer friends for awhile as a result. But, then I discovered study groups. I found them almost completely worthless in terms of actually getting studying done, but phenomenally helpful in terms of making friends. I'm not good at small talk, but I had sort of a system for making friends. The first couple of weeks I would chat with the person in the seat next to me, intro stuff like "I've heard this teacher is really hard. Did you hear he threw a cell phone so hard it dented the wall?" and then once you're chatting about that, "What's your major, where are you from" - just chatty stuff, and it helps to have a few things to say. Try not to come across as needy or desperate. It scares people. The nicest thing about initiating a conversation in class is that it is by necessity short, and can end whenever anyone is bored without it getting awkward.
Then the same people that you "chat" with end up suggesting a study group - or you can. And it can help you either in that it will help you study, or that you will get to know people a little better. Math and calculation type classes are the BEST for "study" groups because you benefit from talking through problems together and you become stress buddies and bond.
This is social life 101 for nerds. It's how I made it through college with friends despite a chronic nerdiness factor. I made friends who were serious about their studies and yet were always willing to take a break for lunch. The truth of the matter is, most of your friends you make aren't going to be lifetime friends, though you might luck out. I have a couple of really good friends that I made while taking physics. But just having friends in college even if they won't last is important for your sanity I think.

(Note: these "techniques" should still be used in conjunction with other social things. Don't get too caught up in needing to join every club and go to every event, but don't give in to the temptation to avoid them either)

Oooh, awesome idea, that's what i'm gonna do!

 

[Maygyver]

That is definitely really helpful. I study with a lot of people from my Scholars group from freshman year still and it is really nice to just be able to get some food after studying and joke around while studying. It is a lot easier to remember things, for me atleast, if I help others or joke around about subjects.

 

[Algophiliac]

That was really helpful, oregonhopeful!

I'm just quite shy about coming up to strangers in an unstructured setting, but I can also socialize quite well in classes, clubs, and other things with an agenda. It seems like if you're doing something at the time, it's way easier to just engage in a simultaneous conversation. Then hopefully once you find some comfortable friends, life gets much easier.

However, it'll be important not to isolate when I get on campus and the assignments start to hit--so thanks for the tip!

And I just realized my main communication barriers are probably lack of confidence and continually trying to please everyone by not saying something "wrong." How do you get over these?

 

[oregonhopeful]

That was really helpful, oregonhopeful!

I'm just quite shy about coming up to strangers in an unstructured setting, but I can also socialize quite well in classes, clubs, and other things with an agenda. It seems like if you're doing something at the time, it's way easier to just engage in a simultaneous conversation. Then hopefully once you find some comfortable friends, life gets much easier.

However, it'll be important not to isolate when I get on campus and the assignments start to hit--so thanks for the tip!

And I just realized my main communication barriers are probably lack of confidence and continually trying to please everyone by not saying something "wrong." How do you get over these?

I don't know how you get over them. I'm shy and uncomfortable in new situations. I try to avoid confrontation. But you can't let these things stop you from life. And this is where you have to fake it sometimes. You have no need to let people see your insecurities. Even if you're quaking in your boots, plaster on a smile and pretend. The more you fake it the less you'll need to. Don't give your insecurities validity. It's not lying, people don't need to know your inner thoughts.

And if it helps, all of these things are forms of selfishness. Worrying about what people think of YOU, worrying that YOU might offend them. Sometimes you just have to let that go and get on with your life.

Not very tangible though. The best tangible advice is to fake confidence. In my experience, real confidence will follow.

(by the way you don't always have to go out of the way to disagree with people just for the sake of speaking up. Some people aren't worth the time. But the ones that are won't discount you just because you said something stupid or because they disagreed with your position on genetic cloning of frogs)

 

[1CellNtheSea]

You don't have to be surrounded 24-7 if you don't want to. There are plenty of quiet places to study like libraries, coffee shops, etc where most people won't bother you if you are studying. I also am very independent and value my "me time". My first year of undergrad I was stuck in a shoe-box sized room with a roommate and as much as a talker as she was, there were times when we would both be in the room, on the computer or doing work or watching tv, etc and not be talking. I think roommates realize that you don't have to be a social butterfly all the time. Close your door for some privacy. Tell the roommates you need space. I had my bed on a loft so I could climb up there for my own space. At first it'll be a bunch of get to know you socializing but it dies down once everyone gets into school work. You'll be fine! If anything, college drew me out of my shell and made me a much more confident "people-person", which is a good skill to have for being a vet! 🙂

 

[Crazyday]

For those who have difficulty approaching people, the best way to get used to it and become more social is to start approaching people.

Really. It's the same way with asking a random girl you just met 5 minutes ago for her number. The first girl you try it on you're going to be shaking in your boots. It gets easier as you do it more often and get more experience with it; it becomes natural.

Just try it sometime. People really aren't as critical as you always tell yourself; if you make yourself look somewhat like a fool, they probably won't hold it against you (and if they would, well they aren't the type of people you probably want to hang out with anyway). We all know what it's like, because most of us were there at some point.

Give it a shot. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[Algophiliac]

You don't have to be surrounded 24-7 if you don't want to. There are plenty of quiet places to study like libraries, coffee shops, etc where most people won't bother you if you are studying. I also am very independent and value my "me time". My first year of undergrad I was stuck in a shoe-box sized room with a roommate and as much as a talker as she was, there were times when we would both be in the room, on the computer or doing work or watching tv, etc and not be talking. I think roommates realize that you don't have to be a social butterfly all the time. Close your door for some privacy. Tell the roommates you need space. I had my bed on a loft so I could climb up there for my own space. At first it'll be a bunch of get to know you socializing but it dies down once everyone gets into school work. You'll be fine! If anything, college drew me out of my shell and made me a much more confident "people-person", which is a good skill to have for being a vet! 🙂

*sighs* I'm a hopeless case in that I need to be completely alone, with no one there to potentially watch me, to actually relax sometimes. There are so many things that one just...can't...do in public, like randomly start singing to a song on their iPod. It always feels like I'm acting when there are people around (especially in terms of hiding weaknesses), and it's very exhausting for me. But hopefully this will all change in college, or I'll find friends I can be myself with quickly! Maybe if I don't have that "me time," I'll just end up being more outgoing in public? Hmmm.

EEEEK, Crazyday. Maybe I'll start off slow. Like, actually saying hi to a cute girl first!

 

[Crazyday]

*sighs* I'm a hopeless case in that I need to be completely alone, with no one there to potentially watch me, to actually relax sometimes. There are so many things that one just...can't...do in public, like randomly start singing to a song on their iPod. It always feels like I'm acting when there are people around (especially in terms of hiding weaknesses), and it's very exhausting for me. But hopefully this will all change in college, or I'll find friends I can be myself with quickly! Maybe if I don't have that "me time," I'll just end up being more outgoing in public? Hmmm.

EEEEK, Crazyday. Maybe I'll start off slow. Like, actually saying hi to a cute girl first!

Haha.

Think of it this way. Even if you do make a complete ass out of yourself and they laugh at you, who cares? It's not like you're gonna see them again if you don't want to. Just walk off and be proud that you tried. The next time it'll flow a little easier. The time after that, even easier. Work yourself into it and you'll be rolling in no time.

Ever wonder how you could be one of those guys who just seems to get all the girls' attention, how you could ever just stroll up and grab a number? It's all about exuding confidence, and confidence comes from having past experience in that particular situation.

Don't worry about getting turned down or whatever. At the end of the day at least you tried, and that's all the matters. If you don't try then you can't succeed, you automatically fail.

 

[Algophiliac]

Haha.

Think of it this way. Even if you do make a complete ass out of yourself and they laugh at you, who cares? It's not like you're gonna see them again if you don't want to. Just walk off and be proud that you tried. The next time it'll flow a little easier. The time after that, even easier. Work yourself into it and you'll be rolling in no time.

Ever wonder how you could be one of those guys who just seems to get all the girls' attention, how you could ever just stroll up and grab a number? It's all about exuding confidence, and confidence comes from having past experience in that particular situation.

Don't worry about getting turned down or whatever. At the end of the day at least you tried, and that's all the matters. If you don't try then you can't succeed, you automatically fail.

Now I know their secrets!!

I suppose this will come in handy with prom just around the corner. And I've had my eye on the same girl for a year now, but she's always with one of "those guys." 🙄 Although now that she's single, I have absolutely no excuse to hide behind.

And you make it sound TOO easy!!! 😀

 

[Crazyday]

Now I know their secrets!!

I suppose this will come in handy with prom just around the corner. And I've had my eye on the same girl for a year now, but she's always with one of "those guys." 🙄 Although now that she's single, I have absolutely no excuse to hide behind.

And you make it sound TOO easy!!! 😀

😉

High school sucks for this though, for me anyway. Half the school knows eachother and they have their own little cliques that they try to stay into, so no matter how well you pull it off you're doomed from the beginning.

It is a good place to get experience though, and there's no reason not to try and build up confidence in situations like that so you can come into your own when you go off to college (my plan ).

Try it though, you've got nothing to lose. And if you do get turned down, it might not be as bad as you think. Then everyone knows you got a pair, and it reflects nicely on you, because they see you're not afraid to bust a move.

And it really is that easy. Just don't get all depressed or anything if it doesn't work out, because you're not necessarily looking for it to work out (although that would definitely be nice 🙂), you're just looking to get used to being in that situation. Just tell her it's cool and walk off. Don't worry about it; it's just one person, not the world (as much as we seem to think of 'that' person as the world).

Good luck.

 

[Algophiliac]

😉

High school sucks for this though, for me anyway. Half the school knows eachother and they have their own little cliques that they try to stay into, so no matter how well you pull it off you're doomed from the beginning.

It is a good place to get experience though, and there's no reason not to try and build up confidence in situations like that so you can come into your own when you go off to college (my plan ).

Try it though, you've got nothing to lose. And if you do get turned down, it might not be as bad as you think. Then everyone knows you got a pair, and it reflects nicely on you, because they see you're not afraid to bust a move.

And it really is that easy. Just don't get all depressed or anything if it doesn't work out, because you're not necessarily looking for it to work out (although that would definitely be nice 🙂), you're just looking to get used to being in that situation. Just tell her it's cool and walk off. Don't worry about it; it's just one person, not the world (as much as we seem to think of 'that' person as the world).

Good luck.

Know what? I'm asking her on Monday, and if she says no, there won't be too many months left of humiliation thrown at me by my friends. 😀

Thanks, Crazyday. My school is divided into cliques as well, which becomes incredibly annoying after a while, because many people are perceived prematurely as being "off-limits" for developing a friendship.

If she says no...I'll be depressed on SDN. 😛 But in the end, even the chance of her saying yes wins out. 🙂 And you're right, of course, I have practically nothing to lose.

 

[Crazyday]

Know what? I'm asking her on Monday, and if she says no, there won't be too many months left of humiliation thrown at me by my friends. 😀

Thanks, Crazyday. My school is divided into cliques as well, which becomes incredibly annoying after a while, because many people are perceived prematurely as being "off-limits" for developing a friendship.

If she says no...I'll be depressed on SDN. 😛 But in the end, even the chance of her saying yes wins out. 🙂 And you're right, of course, I have practically nothing to lose.

That's the way to do it! 👍

I used to be the same way. "oh wow you actually mean go talk to the person I have a crush on? wtf are you talking about? say hi to them? WHAT?" I've changed quite a bit lately though when I realized it really didn't matter.

If she does tell you no, just be cool about it. Show that it doesn't really bother you, and if you did have ANY chance with her, that'll make her think about you more, cause she knows she doesn't matter that much to you (jealousy). She's not perfect, she's human too, remember that.

Especially popular/hot girls. They're used to getting hit on by guys that just waltz up and bow down to them, and she's used to turning them away depressed and all self-pity like. Don't give her that satisfaction; it'll make her desire you more when she sees you're not like all the others.

That's why high school sucks, cause the elements of jealousy and everything are really pretty weak because they won't go near people outside of their clique anyway.

Gosh, I've gone from telling how to make friends to relationship advice. Never get me started on relationship counseling.

Maybe that's what I should go into.